We are united in this experience called life, each of us drawn toward self-discovery, some of us niche experts, and some of us grateful learning and observing the expertise of others. A strong leader will help to make us part of a unified team.

If you’ve ever watched a flock of birds flying in formation, you will recall that it’s hard to distinguish who is doing the leading.  What you are amazed about though is how well the entire flock moves as one. What is being transmitted that evokes their actions?  I’m thinking that somewhere in that flock is a strong leader whose ability is dominant and who displays his leadership to the group which then responds by following his example.  It takes both leadership and responsiveness for any group or system to be successful.

We cannot tell in our human communities just who should be doing the leading or who should be doing the following.  In the process of unfolding our Self’s full strength, we may not have the universal vision that shows us a fuller picture at any one time, so we don’t know who might be the best leader.  There’s always a sense of competition that enters in and competition is good because it keeps us from getting stale and simply jogging in place for the rest of our lives.

But if you are in a small group that has a strong leader, and the entire group gets behind his or her ideas and promotes their accomplishment, a great deal of good can be accomplished.  Each of the group members has to agree on the goals of the group deeply within his heart, because it is this heart motivation and the agreement with the leader that allows the group to act as one.

Creating and managing teams in the workplace can lead to effective outcomes, but the success and longevity of teams depends on how its leaders understand how to extract the gains teams can provide. If leaders don’t understand the skills they need to possess, as well as the group processes that are required to create and maintain teams, there’s nothing for the team to follow.

This concept can be described as “the greatest good for the greatest number.”  Watching birds in flight formation reminds us of how a unified team can create great good by surrendering to common goals.

When the team moves as one, it takes both a strong leader to generate ideas and a team which agrees with them and moves toward their fulfillment.  Both the team members and the leader have to sublimate their own egos for the greater good in order to move quickly and with a sense of harmony toward the vision each of them shares.

My daughter-in-law is living with me and when she gets angry, she pounds her feet when she walks, goes silent, and begins to clean frenetically. Her body language is very telling. – Lila

The power of body language

When you are in a relationship with another, your body language is hard to hide:  whether you want to or not, your body language is going to express what you are thinking.  If it’s love, then love shows forth.  If it’s frustration or anger, that will show forth. When you are in a relationship, there will always be nonverbal clues as to what is going on inside your mind, and these nonverbal messages (like tone of voice, volume, and your actions) surround any words you may or may not speak to your significant other.

Language is the most common form of communication with your loved ones and words convey your clear intention to the listener.  But inside of a relationship, nonverbal messages don’t involve words. Have you ever received “the look” from your mate?  Does your silent withdrawal into your bedroom truly let your mate know what’s happening inside of you?  You may be innocently unaware of all the messages you are sending to your partner silently accompanying your words.

Why is this relevant in a relationship?

Non verbal messages have a powerful impact on your partner and thus on the general intimacy of your relationship. The verbal and silently subtle messages you convey can either leave your partner feeling loved or unwanted and anxious. And this is happening wrapped around the words that you speak.

Become Aware of Non-Verbal Communication

* Tone of voice. What are you sending along with your words?

* Facial expression. Your face shows your true feelings.

* Eye contact. Eye-contact conveys interest. Breaking eye-contact…..well, you know!

* Touch. Touch can effectively communicate warmth, or love. Lack of touch is also a message.

* Silence. Silently listening to your partner speaking is supportive and can let him/her know you really care; refusing to speak when your partner needs to hear your thoughts sends a negative message.

* Gestures. “Talking” with your hands, widening your eyes, lifting your eyebrows, etc., can add emphasis to your message. Acting like a sphinx conveys a message, too.

* Body Language. Crossing your arms, turning away from your partner, stomping around the house all show how our bodies display our innermost feelings.

* Interpersonal Distance. The physical distance you place between you and your lover sends an important message, either of love or disapproval.

Take some time this week to observe your nonverbal messages to your significant other.  How are you wrapping those words you speak to him or her?  Are you conveying the message you really want them to have?  Could you Be the Change so that both your verbal and your nonverbal communication send the same message?  I send you my best wishes and support.

In the early part of our lives, almost everyone thinks that getting married someday would be so great.  Some of us still feel that way and some of us have changed our minds. The emotions surrounding marriage can run rampant and I thought that you folks who want a truly healthy relationship, might enjoy some wisdom based on the biological truths of love hormones that happen to you when you first enter into a loving relationship.

Your love hormones are excited to their maximum expression. You have no clue why you feel so euphoric, why sleep is seldom necessary, why you feel so complete when you’re near the one you love. First of all, let me tell you this:  as happy as those being-in-love feelings feel, (and they do feel just grand) they don’t last, so if you’re aware of what’s happening, and you want the loving relationship to last, you’ll be looking for the next stage after this initial one.

Serotonin gets released into your brain which is why you feel so euphoric.  And your brain itself pumps our dopamine which is involved in cravings like sugar, thirst, tobacco, or sleep. With those two at full bore, along comes oxytocin.  This hormone makes togetherness such a warm, snuggly idea.

How long can you sustain these three raging love hormones through your system?  Not too long.  It’s important you know what’s happening when it happens, and then, begin to look for deeper levels of compatibility.  How does he handle money?  Would she make a good mother?  Can he carry on a decent conversation with my friends?  Look for the things that truly matter to you so you can move into a stronger bond that will provide satisfying on a lifelong basis once the chemicals drain away….and they always do!

Crying isn’t just for sissies. Our emotions need channels of expression.  Tears is one of those channels.  Tears can express a ton of emotions: sorrow, elation, or just an eye inflammation.  Stress hormones and toxins are carried out of our systems by crying.

When we cry, our breathing and heart rate increases from the surge of emotions. Crying helps to process grief; they purify stress. Crying also stimulates the production of endorphins, the feel-good hormone.

I have a friend who cries at parades.  Whenever she sees military personnel who’ve done their duty for their country, or whenever those big bass drums march by, she spills over with tears.  These are tears of immense joy.  She also spilled over at her kid’s school performances.  Again, joy.

In a loving relationship, when he pops the will-you-marry-me question, it would not be inappropriate to cry. You just experienced an overwhelming, dreamed-of experience.  Crying is a great way to express those feelings of great joy.

The Secret About Men: They Need A Confidant. Ladies, you know how important your girlfriends are to you.  You share confidences with them.  You do it as naturally as a waterfall falling off a cliff. Men don’t have it this easy, but they need to share confidences as well, so marriage becomes a strong pull for them. The RAND Center for the Study of Aging  have proven that a good, healthy marriage promotes longevity.

It’s possible that less-risky behavior follows marriage.  When a married couple develops and works on mutual long-term goals, there isn’t much time for fooling around.

Relationships, in general, take pointed consideration.  You will grow fabulously in a relationship.  It’s one of the very best ways to unfold a bettered concept of your self.  Be happy and enjoy the love hormones!

“A good marriage is one which allows for change and growth in the individuals and in the way they express their love.” ~ Pearl S. Buck

Angry people are not intrinsically bad people. They are people who’ve been severely hurt and to deal with that hurt, they’ve become angry, sometimes dangerous, always unpredictable, frequently hard to live with, and, unfortunately, abusive toward others. They have not confronted their own severe pain toward the person who initially hurt them. Instead, they take it out on others in their path, sometimes their spouse or children. Dealing with angry people takes some forethought.

You need to know first of all, that you are a good person and that your right to a harmonious life is of the greatest importance. You deserve to be safe and so do your children. You must realize that if you decide to remain with someone who’s horribly angry, that responsibility is on you, not the angry other. Here are some tips to help you with managing anger in others. There are hundreds more on the internet.

• Find something you can agree about with them. This frequently drains away their anger until you can move on to or away from their anger.
• Set boundaries and stick with them. No one worthy of respect and good treatment (I’m speaking about you, dear) should tolerate abuse. This is an important point to teach your children about dealing with angry people.
• Don’t argue back. Stay calm; listen intently. Consciously breathing deeply helps.
• Protect your children using healthy anger. You were born with the ability to react in anger so that you can summon up the strength to protect yourself and your children. Healthy anger will help you to “kick it into gear” and survive.
• Consider options you can offer to the angry person. How would you feel if you were in his shoes? Conjure up some empathy keeping in mind your own safety.
• Let him know you understand his problem. Find some ways to offer support until his emotions drain a bit. You can say back to him what he’s said to you. Or, you can tell him that if you were in his shoes, you might be angry, too. Once you’ve spoken your piece, don’t talk until after he responds.
• Don’t take it personally. Work to remember that another person’s anger is never about you. They are simply trying to meet their own needs.
• Set a good example. If you keep your cool during moments when you might have gotten angry, you’ll show your angry friend another way to handle these angry times.
• Be curious. Silently ask yourself questions about the cause of their anger and see if you can bring up a little empathy.

Keeping yourself safe in the presence of unreasonable anger is the most important thing. Perhaps the best way of dealing with angry people is to leave the angry person, either temporarily or permanently. Remember what I said above: you are a good person and you deserve a harmonious life.

“It is wise to direct your anger towards problems — not people; to focus your energies on answers — not excuses.” ~ William Arthur Ward

One of life’s biggest challenges and one of life’s greatest joys is the same thing:  being in a relationship.  If you’ve been there, you know precisely what I mean. You can control half of what goes into a relationship, but who you are influences 100% of it. Relationship listening is a skill you need to develop if you want to hear what your significant other is really saying.

Frequently we hear about the challenges between the way women think and the way that men think in a relationship. Dr. B. Janet Hibbs who is a couples therapist and psychologist, says that if you are willing to adjust the way you process what you hear in your relationship, you can actually adjust your mental filter and achieve more success. You will improve your listening skills.

Some Examples of Relationship Listening:

WHAT HE SAYS: I’m sorry you’re feeling like that.

WHAT YOU HEAR: You’re being an idiot!

WHAT HE MEANS:  I wish this argument was over.

Women love to hash out all the details, because they can see them all and want to delve into their emotional depths. Men have this keen ability to go to the bottom line.  Sometimes the men are right, but sometimes because they don’t look at all the details, they may miss the point.  The ability to reason is enhanced through these encounters for both.  Reason takes in all the details and reaches an accurate conclusion.

WHAT HE SAYS: If you think your salary is too low, ask for a raise.

WHAT YOU HEAR: You’re problem is minor.  Just fix it.

WHAT HE MEANS:  You’re sweating over stuff at work? Here, let me help you.

Women often suffer from low self-esteem especially at work, so asking for a raise can be much more of a problem for them.  Men, on the other hand, are trained from birth to be providers and this means earning a good wage, which all men understand, so getting a raise is expected. When men offer their perspective to a woman, they just want to help. This is an area they handle more easily than women do.

WHAT HE SAYS: Uh huh! Yeah! Right!

WHAT YOU HEAR: I have very little interest in what you’re saying.

WHAT HE MEANS:  Could you get to the bottom line please?

Ladies, you’ve got to cut to the chase.  You’ve got to be able to tell your story to him more succinctly.  Use fewer words and get to the punch line quickly or you’ve lost him.  Fellows, be a little more patient with your lady’s attempts to be more succinct.  If she achieves communication in record time, pat her on the back for it.

WHAT HE SAYS: I didn’t tell you about the cutbacks at work?

WHAT YOU HEAR: You don’t care enough about me to be honest.

WHAT HE MEANS:  I don’t want you to worry. I’ve got a handle on this.

Ladies, men don’t want you to see them feeling vulnerable, so if there is an area where they feel weaker, they are not going to speak to you about it.  They’re there to protect and take care of you. Be respectful and don’t ask them “feeling” questions.  Ask them “doing” questions. What are your plans if you get laid off works so much better than Oh honey, you must feel terrified of losing your job!

By honing your listening skills to include relationship listening, you can both have a more peaceful and harmonious co-existence.

“The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but hold hands.” ~ Anonymous

Everyone has done this.  If I had chosen to stay focused on the things in my life that did not work, where would I be today? When you get to the end of an experience that did not work, right there is the pivotal point for your life:

Am I going to pout and feel badly, or will I shake the dust off, learn from my mistake, and take the next step forward?

It’s natural have bitter feelings when things go wrong. We set our hopes and expectations high.  We thought we knew just how things were going to work out, but somehow, someway, we took a wrong turn and they turned out just awful. We are embarrassed, angry, or disappointed when our expectations do not pan out. We indulge in feeling less-than.  I have learned that it isn’t wise to remain in that state of mind for very long or you’ll develop a deep-seated habit which will be challenging to release.

There is a perspective that I’ve learned that may help you when this negative experience happens to you.

Look for the lesson learned.

Each situation comes with a lesson.  You can learn from it, or you can develop bitter feelings.  I learned from it and I was able to take different turns, make different decisions, and become successful instead of becoming bitter. I like to think of those “mistakes” as lesson learned and stepping stones that turn me in an even better direction.  If you can permit those initial negative feelings to pass over the top of you, they will fade into nothingness and you will escape becoming bitter.  Bitter people develop victim mentalities who are stuck in their inability to do anything wisely and well except to nurture more bitterness.

Here’s what I’d recommend:  if bitter feelings show up, allow yourself to feel it, and then discard it and look for the lesson learned.  If you keep it and nurture it, nothing good can grow from such bitterness.

Goodness is your natural substance.  This is why pain and bitterness feel so awful:  they don’t belong in there.  It is wiser to acknowledge that it’s there, and then let go of it so that you don’t cut yourself off from all positive good with a hardened heart.  When you let go of the bitterness, you open your heart, your life, to more enjoyment, blessing, fulfillment and success; you allow the natural light and love to massage your soul.

Letting go of the bitter feelings can involve forgiveness and forgetting.  It’s always wise to remember that no one but you is harmed by your sense of bitterness, even if it’s directed at another, so why not let yourself heal and again celebrate the phenomenal life you deserve?

“Those who cannot work with their hearts achieve but a hollow, half-hearted success that breeds bitterness all around.” ~ Abdul Kalam

Does this mean that unless we do those “big things,” our lives are valueless? Absolutely not. We have the capability to consciously choose to do small things and in this way, we create value for ourselves, the others in our lives, and the world at large. When you change your baby’s diaper, you create health and harmony for your child – which let’s your neighbors rest well at night – which allows for greater productivity for him at work the next day – which permits the company where he works to flourish – which heightens the profitability and success of the country where he lives, and so on, and so on. And remember, this chain of events had very humble beginnings and it the idea behind paying it forward.

We humans are united, whether we realize it or not. My writing this can actually end up bringing peace to the middle east! And it can give a glimmer of hope to someone in another country who reads it and internalizes its message.

All that we do, all that we think affects everyone else, and their actions are reflected out to others. It’s an endless activity. What may seem insignificant can pass from you to another and from them to another.

What is really wonderful is that you can consciously choose to be a source of great joy, of unconditional love, of caring inspiration, or you can be a source of doubt, of worry, of anxiety, or of emotional pain. The choice is entirely yours.

Your impact on the world is far reaching. If you can gain that vision of paying it forward and allow it to become the talisman representing your life and the message you want to send forth, you will cause ripples in the world as they move outward from yourself. You can create a wonderfully positive radiation that will wrap itself around all of mankind and serve to better the world.

The folks you touch most immediately in your inner circle, can be encouraged to “pay it forward.” If you do something wonderful and encourage the next person to pay it forward, the whole world will benefit. And if someone does something wonderful for you as a freely-given gift, you can take that and pay it forward so that soon enough, the entire world is humming more happily. Once charitable act, one thought-filled action will snowball and become a wonderful gift that will someday bless someone many lengths from your life, but affect them nonetheless.

You can consciously choose to live your life from this moment forward to be the starting place of great goodness.

Consciously smile at both friends and strangers. Consciously give away compliments. Consciously entertain the ability to bring laughter into conversations. Consciously offer graciousness to all with whom you come into contact. You will create a ripple effect beginning with you out into the world.

I think it would be an interesting experiment to consciously choose for this month to be the initiator of good will. Look for ways to be kind, charitable, happy, and gracious and watch what happens in the lives of those to whom you start paying it forward to. Generosity generates. If you will keep track of all the effects that you can see, I have an educated hunch that great good will accrue to you and your circle of friends. It’s worth a try!

“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” ~ Robert Brault

We all lead busy, busy lives.  We’ve grown up during a time when optimizing one’s life has become the norm and hours and hours are spent being productive and creative. But what about your inner self?

Your mind can only take so much of this without screaming out for mercy, so I’m writing to you today about the importance of doing nothing from time to time – about taking breaks- and how to put in perspective your busy life.

If you are super busy, you might find yourself doing circular thinking – not being able to come to a decision about anything and mulling something over and over in a circular manner.  HINT:  it’s your inner self signaling to you that you need to slow down, relax a bit, let your mind go slack and just drift for a while.  It would be an opportunity to shut out all of the things that surround us and go within where it’s quiet, calm and serene.  It is, you know?

Rest a bit and go within.  Give your mind, your soul and your spirit a good-guy or good-gal break so you can regain a sense of energy before you crank things up to breakneck speed again because you know you will!

You may think this is a complete waste of time because, heck, we only have 24 hours in a day and all of them have to be productive, right? It’s not a waste of time.  In fact, it’s quite productive, because it allows you to tune into your own limitless potential and come back to the more active part of your life refreshed and renewed.  It’s invaluable.

When you stop to smell the roses, or you have a cup of coffee with your feet on an ottoman, or you take a play break with your children, or you simply watch the wind blowing the treetops, you let go of your fears and doubts and you dip deeply inside yourself to your truest nature.  You may get in touch with nature, or the vastness of your place in the universe or your own sense of inner peace.  This activity is the real nature of our work here in this state of relativity.

It helps us to establish perspective.  It lets us see that our everyday challenges are eminently small.  It can let us put in perspective our challenges so we don’t get swallowed up in mere issues – mere based on the vastness we have just considered.  It allows us a more positive, happy outlook or perspective and when we return to our work-a-day world, we come back lightened and enlightened.  All this from just taking a breather!  I’m sure you can see how important these breathers are now.
If you are able to grant yourself these tiny, mini-vacations, you are giving yourself a fabulous gift.  When you step away from your daily challenges that seem to be of the utmost importance, you instead decrease their burden.  Simultaneously, you return to your true nature and inner self – lying within just waiting for your visit – which grants you the blessing of the moment.  You become more open to the wisdom and intelligence that lives within you because it IS you.

Fatherhood is filled with joy and challenge. A father’s role in the lives of his children provides untold benefit: economic stability, nurturing, role modeling, and security and this role cannot be diminished.

The days of sons working alongside their fathers is gone, and the bonding and instruction in a value-driven life that happened in that environment has been replaced by fathers more in absentia than not. Children still crave the interactive instructions that used to occur during our more agrarian society, and today more than ever, the gifts fatherhood brings to children is invaluable. Fathers today have become so much more aware of the need to balance their work and family time and we salute their awareness!

Fathers today enjoy attending their children’s games and recitals. Fathers today are taking a good strong look at what they did not receive from their own fathers and are supplying it. Fathers today are leading purpose driven lives in consideration of the nurturing of their children’s emotional, physical and spiritual needs and deserve heartfelt applause!

Fathers today realize that their relationship with both their sons as well as their daughters invokes a profound influence and they establish open lines of communication during the grade school years so that when the angst of teenagedom hits, the conversation and connection continues to flow. Fathers are spending time alone with their children and the payback comes up in Aces!

I celebrate all of the aspects of fatherhood and I can’t say enough about the importance fathers bring to their families. Here are some things I’ve learned by observing fathers.

A strong father will inspire both love and fear, and perhaps a little of each is a good thing.

You weren’t born a father. You grow into it as a stage of your development.

You can become a good father even if you didn’t have one.

It’s important that you allow your children to see that you love their mother.

Believe in your children; support them in all they wish to undertake.

The life you are living IS the Instruction Manual for your children on how to live their lives.

Small boys look up to big men and their influence.

Big, successful powerful men appear tenderhearted when their children run into their arms.

You don’t have to be rich to leave your children a very rich inheritance. What would you like to leave them?

A father and his son isn’t created with flesh and blood but with the heart.

If a son is never educated, it’s his father’s fault; and if a son neglects his duties, both the father and son are to blame.

Build your own character and your sons will emulate you.

A father’s key role is as Protector and it fulfills a child’s strongest needs.

Seek to understand your own children. It is the work of great wisdom.

Being a dad is a demanding task and it can also be very rewarding. Most dads love their children and want their lives to be better than their own childhood. I salute dads for their conscious decision to fulfill the important role championship fatherhood demands. Happy Father’s Day!

“Sherman made the terrible discovery that men make about their fathers sooner or later… that the man before him was not an aging father but a boy, a boy much like himself, a boy who grew up and had a child of his own and, as best he could, out of a sense of duty and, perhaps love, adopted a role called Being a Father so that his child would have something mythical and infinitely important: a Protector, who would keep a lid on all the chaotic and catastrophic possibilities of life.” ~Tom Wolfe, The Bonfire of the Vanities

One of the ways that each of us feels just wonderful is being in a new relationship.  The sky is bluer; the sun is brighter; there is the hope and promise of good things to come.  We could stay up all night (and sometimes do) because we are filled with energy when we are involved in a new relationship.

But what happens when the relationship ends up in marriage, and the children come, and the workday keeps repeating itself, and we have shopping to do and bills to pay…… and… and… and…  We’ve all be down this road as well.  How can you spice up your relationship?

Do Something Unexpected. For no reason at all, buy your mate a card or send them one via email.  The internet has many free e-card websites.  Or, unexpectedly, just buy your mate a candy bar to put on their pillow at night – something you know they would love.  Or leave non-typical Post It notes in places they will find them unexpectedly – in their lunch bag; in the medicine cabinet; on their car windshield.  Tell them something nice you noticed about them.

Ask Them Out on a Date. How long has it been since you actually went out on a date as you once did when it was a new relationship?  Plan something marvelous and spring it as a surprise for your mate.  Perhaps pick them up from work for a lunch date.  Have the food ready and hop in the car for a quick, uninterrupted hour together as you once used to love to do.

Keep Track of the Good You See In Them. I once coached a couple to hang a sheet of paper in their room with two columns.  “He” was to write good things he noticed her doing over in her column, while “She” wrote good things she noticed about him.  It revolutionized their relationship because they had developed a habit of keeping track of only the things that irritated them, completely forgetting all the good things that attracted them to one another in the first place.

Make More Effort to Look Good for Your Partner. There are articles written in the 1940s about the so-called good housewife primping to prepare her appearance so that she looked good after a day’s work in the home and with the children because her husband was coming home.  Our social mores have changed a bit since then, but is it such a bad idea?  What a kind consideration to brush your teeth and have a sweet-smelling mouth to kiss him or her hello after a long day’s work?

Remember Important Dates. Make an effort to remember birthdays, anniversaries and the like.  It is a kind consideration that says “I love you and these dates are worth remembering because you are worth remembering.”  Women, especially, appreciate being remembered.

Enjoy Your Intimacy. Be sure you take time to enjoy your intimacy.  Keep it as important as the meals, the laundry, the job, etc. because it is important. Take the necessary steps for you to be “in the mood” and encourage your mate to take those steps too.  If you exercise showing affection, being complimentary, and allotting time, your relationship will stay as fresh as those early days.  You do recall them, right?

Be energetic about finding your own ways to spice up your relationship.  Talk about it with your mate.  What a joyful life you will experience and what a wonderful legacy to leave your children!

Spring is nature’s way of saying, “Let’s party!” ~  Robin Williams