Friday, Apr 1, 2011Are Your Children Developing Defense Mechanisms?

When we were small children, we did not have enough information to make truly informed choices, and so we developed mechanisms to provide a defense against things we did not like or understand.  I’m sure you’ve all got a good picture in your mind of a child feeding food it does not like to the dog under the table, or hiding it in a napkin in its pocket.

Some defense mechanisms are a little bit more subtle and were developed on the fly without our being aware of them.  A habit of saying “Yes” when “No” would hurt someone’s feelings is a good example of one. Our own defense mechanisms were an automatic reflex that we utilized and developed to help us in our childhood to get past painful, embarrassing, or threatening situations.

As adults, much of our work is the undoing of these defense mechanisms, which, in some cases, might have even saved our lives but are no longer appropriate and must be stopped. It is time now to work from our truest selves without those defense mechanisms.

Because all children develop defense mechanisms so that they get what they need without being yelled at or punished, they all learn to avoid being direct and honest. What can you do with your children right now that allows them to know they will not be punished if they tell you the truth? How can you learn to communicate with them so that they don’t feel threatened?

Make a Road Map for Your Family.  Base the plan on character traits you want each of them to unfold. Write down the traits you’d like your child all grown up into adulthood to have. Think of the kinds of activities you can do with your children that will develop those traits.

Set a Good Example. Your children learn much from you, your behavior, and your manner of accomplishing things.  If you arrive at a decision that was difficult because of the character involved, share that with them. Your children will mimic the behavior of all the adults around them, so be sure all of them are telling the truth.

Watch Your Reactions. If you catch your child not telling the truth, do you launch into a tirade or begin to interrogate him?  He knows what your reaction is going to be, and he may say to you “I was afraid to tell you the truth.”  Be open to hearing the full truth from your child.  Keep a pleasant look on your face (no frowns!) while listening. Your child needs to know you will help them fix the unpleasantness and that you will still love them.

Enforce Boundaries. Children love boundaries.  If you do not respect them, neither will your children and they will, therefore, think that not telling the truth is also acceptable.  Boundaries make a child feel safe.  Love your children enough to establish and enforce boundaries. Oh, they will push at them, but stay firm and provide a good example of consequences.

Communicate the Consequences. Teach them how to use problem-solving skills.  Help them to think through the situation by asking open-ended questions that allow them to think. For example, “Is there anything you might have done differently?”

If your children learn to trust you enough to tell you the truth, they will develop their conscience and be more reluctant to lie in the future or to use defense mechanisms.