Wednesday, May 26, 2010Insight to the Rebellious Teenager

The rebellious teenager seems to provide the most emotional workouts for himself, his teachers and his parents. This seems to be true universally, across cultures, across countries, and across continents. It would be devastating to the teenager, his teachers and his parents to do nothing about the challenges, so let’s try to discover what creates this rebellious behavior and how should we cope with it.

Many of the problems that arise during these years have begun somewhat earlier in some teenagers and later in others, so please consider these approximate for most. Teenagers appear during these years to become rebellious against the wishes of their teachers and parents, and some teens become isolated or withdrawn into themselves.

Let’s look at these two to discover their beginnings. As we are growing up, our parents’ responsibility is to keep us fed, clothed, sheltered, and safe. Most parents address themselves to these tasks to the best of their ability and are devoted lovingly to them. The children, being thinking individuals, form their own ideas of what is being provided. They may love it; they may hate it. One way or the other, they are left with their own opinions about what their parents do.

By the time teens reach thirteen, these opinions have been fortified across many experiences. They may love and respect their parents because of what they see them do, and, they may still want to do it differently when they begin to live their own adult lives. Some may not like at all what their parents do, and still want to do it differently when they become adults. Either way, the opinions that live inside the teenagers are what comes out as either rebellious behavior or withdrawal into silence.

IF YOU ARE A TEENAGER

If you feel like rebelling against your parents, your rebelling may take some different forms. You might refuse to go to school; you may quit grooming yourself; you may change your friends to those you know your parents disapprove of; you may refuse to speak to your parents; you may become disruptive in school classes; you may develop a disrespectful attitude.

I think that what your behavior is saying to your parents is “You don’t listen to me and you don’t respect me as an individual. I deserve to be heard.”

Show your parents this article. Ask them to listen to what you have to say. Ask them to discuss (this means both of you get to share ideas, not just them enforcing theirs) the issues calmly and carefully with you. Ask them to trust you more and then behave in a trustworthy manner. Ask them to find a counselor to mediate the discussions to help maintain calm emotions. A counselor can also help you to understand problems that you think your parents are causing and can act as a liaison.

IF YOU ARE THE PARENT OF A REBELLIOUS TEENAGER

You may feel that you have invested a lot of your time, love, and money to help your child grow to this age in his life. You know the sacrifices it took to accomplish this growth. You still love him, and you see him moving into adulthood. Some of his mistakes frighten you. You don’t want him to suffer as you did from your mistakes, so you think that a tighter discipline will keep him from making them.

What your behavior creates in him is anger and he feels that you don’t trust him.

Your child knows full well what your rules are, what your attitude is, and what your expectations are of him. He’s listened to you tell him about them for a minimum of 13 years. When you see him turn in a direction different from the one you expect of him, you need to bring up all of your wisdom, create a safe, non-threatening environment, and ask him what his good reasons are for his rebellious behavior? It would foster true communication if you did not raise your voice in anger, but only in an honest effort to understand his new direction.

A counselor can serve as an arbitrator to keep the information flowing between the two of you. Your rebellious teenager’s decisions may be wiser for him in his generation. Be an adult about telling him you see the wisdom in his choices. Explain your choices and how you arrived at them in a non-forceful way.