Sunday, Jan 1, 2012Teaching Children Discipline and Unconditional Love

The secret of success is constancy of purpose.  ~ Ben Franklin

It has become a general consensus that discipline – the word, and the actions involved – has a negative connotation. Discipline is thought to mean one individual (usually a parent) exercising his will against the behavior of a child.  I would like to look at the concept of teaching children discipline from a truly unconditionally loving perspective in order to afford you a new, more humane way to help your children to become the fullness of their Selfhood without your having to use strong-arm methods.

Some of the ideas intrinsic to the old method of discipline in vogue for many centuries involve setting limits, correcting misbehavior, spanking (or not,) who’s in charge, self-control, being seen as a mean mommy or daddy, consequences, temper, screaming, and the like.  I’m sure that just be reading some of these words, you began to squirm, didn’t you?

Discipline takes you as a parent out of your comfort zone, but in truth, it’s such a loving gift for your children, that it’s worth the effort. Let’s look at some new ideas.

Can you love your children unconditionally, or do they have to perform according to a set of standards you create in order for them to get your love? It’s important for your children to be taught the beneficial side of self discipline from their earliest years, so that they learn to go within themselves and honor the good that they were intrinsically born with. Like you, they have an Inner Coach who tells them the difference between right and wrong.

Which of these approaches shows more unconditional love?

1. You have made mommy very mad. You go sit in a chair for five minutes.

or

2. It must be so uncomfortable inside you right now. Is that behavior something you want to keep doing?

Number one is conditional parenting.  You will love them only if they don’t make you mad, if they perform appropriately for you. Number two is unconditional: the child has made a mistake and you point him within to recognize how he’s made himself uncomfortable.

The traditional method of discipline – spanking, yelling, time outs, etc. – truly doesn’t work nor has it turned out children who are self-governed.  If it had, we wouldn’t have to repeat the discipline, nor would we have prisons full to the brim!

We have all been pushed to succeed. It is one thing to live a rich, full, busy life because you love it, than to live a life striving to success because you have been pushed into it by your parents.

In teaching children discipline, having as a motive for it your unconditional love and support, you will keep as your goal raising children with strong self-esteem who use their own internal and good natural basis to govern what they will or will not act out in their lives. This is a much more challenging task and requires assiduousness over the many years of their childhood, over the tantrums of their baby and toddler years, and the striking out of their teen years.  But your guidance will produce a phenomenal child who understands that self discipline is a great benefit supporting his life achievement, and all that steady-as-you-go through each issue is so worth it.

Unconditional and loving discipline is spoken about in the book “Unconditional Parenting,” by Alfie Kohn.