Tuesday, Nov 1, 2011Dealing With Angry People

“Anger is just a cowardly extension of sadness. It’s a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you’re hurt.” ~ Tom Gates

Angry people are not intrinsically bad people. They are people who’ve been severely hurt and to deal with that hurt, they’ve become angry, sometimes dangerous, always unpredictable, frequently hard to live with, and, unfortunately, abusive toward others. They have not confronted their own severe pain toward the person who initially hurt them. Instead, they take it out on others in their path, sometimes their spouse or children. Dealing with angry people takes some forethought.

You need to know first of all, that you are a good person and that your right to a harmonious life is of the greatest importance. You deserve to be safe and so do your children. You must realize that if you decide to remain with someone who’s horribly angry, that responsibility is on you, not the angry other. Here are some tips to help you with managing anger in others. There are hundreds more on the internet.

• Find something you can agree about with them. This frequently drains away their anger until you can move on to or away from their anger.
• Set boundaries and stick with them. No one worthy of respect and good treatment (I’m speaking about you, dear) should tolerate abuse. This is an important point to teach your children about dealing with angry people.
• Don’t argue back. Stay calm; listen intently. Consciously breathing deeply helps.
• Protect your children using healthy anger. You were born with the ability to react in anger so that you can summon up the strength to protect yourself and your children. Healthy anger will help you to “kick it into gear” and survive.
• Consider options you can offer to the angry person. How would you feel if you were in his shoes? Conjure up some empathy keeping in mind your own safety.
• Let him know you understand his problem. Find some ways to offer support until his emotions drain a bit. You can say back to him what he’s said to you. Or, you can tell him that if you were in his shoes, you might be angry, too. Once you’ve spoken your piece, don’t talk until after he responds.
• Don’t take it personally. Work to remember that another person’s anger is never about you. They are simply trying to meet their own needs.
• Set a good example. If you keep your cool during moments when you might have gotten angry, you’ll show your angry friend another way to handle these angry times.
• Be curious. Silently ask yourself questions about the cause of their anger and see if you can bring up a little empathy.

Keeping yourself safe in the presence of unreasonable anger is the most important thing. Perhaps the best way of dealing with angry people is to leave the angry person, either temporarily or permanently. Remember what I said above: you are a good person and you deserve a harmonious life.

“It is wise to direct your anger towards problems — not people; to focus your energies on answers — not excuses.” ~ William Arthur Ward