Wednesday, Sep 1, 2010Single Parenting Your Family

Single parenting and raising a family all on your own is an enormous challenge. Enormity is the sense that faces a new single parent:  getting up early enough to get yourself and your children ready for the day; enjoying that first cup of coffee alone (maybe your only alone time in the day); packing school lunches; sighing over the housework that you just don’t have time to get accomplished.  All too often, you are left to accomplish this on your own.  Fortunately, because of the wealth of information on the internet, there is an abundance of parenting resources to give you the tips and guidance to take some of the burden off your shoulders.

While you are the leader, the worker, and the do-er in this single parenting scenario, the focus truly cannot be on you.  This is time to take a deep breath, and selflessly put your own self aside for the sake of the children.  The children, their welfare, their needs and their parenting has to be in the first position.  Don’t worry.  You won’t be too far behind, but you are more mature than they are.  You can better handle the transition that your divorce is wrenching through their lives and helping them to cope, has to be your first consideration. You do want them to have successful, well-grounded, happy lives, right?

Divorce goes through the family like a tornado, ripping children from their other parent, forcing the change of residences, upsetting all the plans and dreams you had hoped for.  You might lose custody of your children.  You might lose some of your friends.  Family events become strained and uncomfortable.  You want your children to enjoy both sides of their families. This will involve discomfort for both you and  your children.

New boundaries will have to be established that are respectful of your children, your families, your former spouse.  Cooperative agreements will have to be worked out for support, visitation, and child rearing under the new parameters.  It is wise to have family meetings with the children to discover what is on their minds and to answer those difficult questions that absolutely must be answered.  If you need help yourself so that you can remain flexible and respectful of your children, seek the help of a therapist for you, so that you are well enough to parent them.

Your children will have lost their stability. They have no control over the divorce and they are upset and frightened.  They don’t understand why mommy or daddy doesn’t live there any more.  Some children may be very angry and put the blame on either themselves or on one or both of their parents.  These situations are fragile, but they are well served when they are discussed.  Don’t place blame on the other parent. Own up to your part in it. Use age-appropriate explanations but resolve not to let any of your children’s questions go unanswered.

Both you and your children will grieve.  That’s normal and acceptable.  It will take time, and eventually, each of you will absorb the shock, the anger, the guilt and the sadness and arrive at a place gradually of acceptance.  Just be cognizant that both of you are going through a grief process.

Don’t change any of the family rules. This will provide the much needed consistency your child craves when everything around them seems to be crumbling. Your kids might experience embarrassment because of your divorce and see you and them as somehow less than.  Inform their school, church, family and friends about your visitation agreement.

Create a family hug time, or make an effort to hug and comfort them more as you go through this divorce together.  Talk about any feelings or questions they might have on a regular basis every day in the early days of the divorce.  You’ll know when these divorce discussions are no longer necessary.

Be aware that your friends are not going to understand the situation as well as you do.  They didn’t live it.  You did.  They will offer advice because they love you that simply isn’t applicable.  You can listen and focus on the fact that it’s love that is prompting them to give advice.  If it gets overwhelming, you can ask them to stop.

It’s going to be tough losing some members of the other spouse’s family.  They may take sides and it may not be yours.  That’s how life happens, so try to realize the relationships have to be maintained for the kids, not you.

In your new single parenting role, raising a family will create the new focus for your life.  Remember, there are tons of parenting resources on the internet and in your  local community.  You don’t have to go it alone.